thoughs after foood

Only 5days until christmas... Its getting soo cold and i feel like im living in the Artic.
Im hateing every second of 'Winter'. It makes me sad, i need one of those light-box thingys.
Mum cooked dinner, I didnt really want to eat anything :'(
Food is scary. The thought of putting it in my mouth, chewing on it, swallowing it....
The feeling of it slowly moving down my throat, closer and closer toward my stomach,
Knowing after that mouthful, there has to be another & another until theres nothing left on the plate to eat.
how much i just needed to kneel infront of the toilet and Purge all the sin & hurt.
The food is bad. It hurts me. It wants to infect my body with more & more fat.
The reward i feel when i finally get passed my throat re-flex's, when that nasty food comes rushing up
and finally you feel like you have your control back. The food i ate 5mins ago... stareing back at me from the bottom of the toilet, finally... i can smile because its no longer inside me.
Sometimes when ive binged and binged and i feel as though its impossible to get everylast piece of food out....
I have a urge to reach into the toilet, taking a handful of vomit and putting it back in my mouth, To make myself vomit, bringing up more and more of that terrible food.


:'( i like that i can write this in a blog. it makes me feel less alone with it.. like im shareing my disorder.
yet without the pain and hurt that its causing me.
I have 4days to get to 98lb.
I WILL do it. i wont fail again.

x

Friends on Myspace...

so many sad status's :(

I feel depressed. its Me again... me and my big fat body.

been on myspace.. checking up on how people are doing.
Its made me feel worse, I just want to help people but i cant.
All the girls on my friend list are pretty, kind, thin.... =(
and even if they wernt... they definitely don't deserve to be suffering the
way they are. If i could have one wish... it would be to Cure everyone who has
a Eating disorder and for nobody else to ever have to develope one.
Cassie, a friend on my myspace has just gone into Hospital, Inpatients.
Shes at a EDU (eating disorder clinic) again. shes been many times befor :(
she is very tiny... shes like a fragile delicate butterfly ='(
i hope she gets better one day and so she can appreciate life properly without
having to suffer with Anorexia everyday.

I look at her and even though she thin... i know that one day i will be that thin.
i will be that perfect, that pretty....

**- i wanted to put cassies blog post on here because i think its important...
people need to understand that eating disorders are serious and its not easy to
recover-**

i NEED to be thin. NO MORE FAT!!!!!!!

I want my thighs to be this thin!

Tiny.TINY.tiny.TINY!

I hope one day my arms look this tiny... I wish i had her self-control :'(

Today has been the first day in months where i have had total control.
i havent eaten anything. I feel like my will-power and control is returning...
For the past few months my eating has been like a mammoth with prader willi syndrome.
Ive been Binge eating then Purging, all the fucking time. =(
But now i have my control back and i can start working towards my GW!
7stone By Saturday.... that gives me 2days.

Im determined to get thin. I cant let christmas ruin everything... again.
I dont want to feel so huge when getting undressed infront of duffy.
or when he touchs my leg..... :( I hate my thighs! I wish i could hack off the
fat that hangs on them then sow myself up so i have beautiful skinny legs.

Theres this girl... who is/was at Newmarket House clinic. (for people with Eating disorders)
I met these 3 other girls who were patients there when i did this Horse equine therapy.
One of the girls added me on facebook and when i was looking in her photos thats when i
saw this girl, think her name was amy or somthing. Anyways... she was so tiny. :( :( :( :( :(
The most smallest thinnest girl you could ever see. She was so pretty too.
At that moment i just felt so ashamed of myself for being such a obese greedy cow.
triggered me into thinking... 'Well, if she can get that thin. Then so can i!'
that and the image of her being so tiny will be in my head everytime i mess up
and reach into the fridge or cuboard for soem binge food.

I will not give up.
I Control Food! Food does not Control me!
I will Fast until next Thursday. I want to see Tiny numbers come up on those
scales next week, I dont want to fail again.

Permantly gone...

why am i so much of a failiure. Why am i still here? ...
Im tired of trying to explain to people how im feeling or 'what the problem is'.
in my life its not just a problem.. its a shit load of Problem'S'
and no of wich you can fix within a few weeks.
:( I just want to be normal. Look normal. Talk normal. eat normal...
i dont want to be me.
I dont want to have to look in the mirror and hate the person whos looking back at me.
I want everything to just FUCK OFF :(

people who say 'i understand' when really they havnt got the slightest idea of what i go through.
How can you possibly understand somthing that you have never even experianced befor.
Its like saying to a Cancer patient... 'I understand how your feeling'.. when youve never had cancer
or been through anything of the sort.

really im frightened that ill end up living the rest of my life being ruled by the 'rules' in my head.
Im so sorry that ive let everyone down. Im sorry that i promise to do things yet never do.
Im sorry for never letting anyone close enough to help. Im sorry that i worry people...

Im nothing.
Im not a student no longer.... because i failed at that is well.
I let down my tutors, let down my mum, let down my boyfriend.
wouldnt it have been alot better if i were never born...
Abortion?
would have saved all the problems that ive caused.
I dont know what to do with my life...
I used to have all these Dreams and plans that i thought i would acheive.
How wrong i was.

When i got home from my Appointment with fiona earlyer I felt so low.
The people in this house seem so unfamiliar... strangers?
I need a place where i feel like i belong.
somwhere that i can call my own...
a place i can binge eat all i want and throw up all until my throat bleeds and my knuckles are sore.
i hate Eating disorders...
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
I like to pretend to be happyer & healthyer than what i am.
I like to think that this Eating disorder isnt as bad as what other people are going through.
I could be 6stone and still i would poke and prod at the fat hanging off my bones...
At 5stone i would still be unhappy with myself
Theres nothing anyone can do to help me, Im past the point of being saved from my own self-destruction.

Duffy asks 'whats wrong' but theres no definate answer to it...
Whats wrong with me today is what was wrong with me yesterday and the day befor......
I want duffy to know that its not him who causes any problems or upsets me.
Its ME. its all down to me and my fucked up little head.
When he cuddles me its so nice because he makes me feel safe then ana comes into it and decides to make me
feel paranoid about how fat i am. the voice goes
'ewww.. imagin what hes thinking whilst hugging you, He must think your a right Fat whale.. can hardly fit his arms round you'...
:( i find myself apolagising to the anorexia for being so ugly and disgusting....
I cryed earlier because im making duffy feel sad... because i dont talk about things.
i never wanted to make him sad...
Im better off keeping all these stupid messed up things locked away in my head.
sitting there talking to someone is the most difficult thing to do.
Although its in the front of your mind, all there... ready to be said alloud but then
Everything goes blank, you cant find the words to use then the paranoia sets in...

:'(
I cant talk about my problems, its too difficult. :(
im scared of losing duffy because i dont talk to him about my feelings or problems.

atleast i know that if it comes to the point where i end up with nobody... only me and the problems in my head.
There a easy way out wich would eliminate my problems and would solve the problems that i make in other peoples lives.
Permenatly.



-x-

I did some drawing... :) And decided to experiment on Gimp editing programme.
Put a pattern into the 'james' one. :)

lil kitty... what should your name be? >.<

Hello little kitty.

I have a ikkle lil kitty asleep on my lap :) awww! 

Few hours ago i went out with duffy, which made me feel better! 

 eeeeeeee<3 then i come home to find a lil someone on my bed asleep. 

Mum actully said that the kitten belongs to me because i will look after her.

there has been so many names chosen for her :\ 

like everyone wants to name her somthing diffrent. 

But! now that shes definatly mine, i can name her what i want :) 

Tallulah, Princess, Darcy, Dolly, Lilly...  nice cute names!

She is my little Stelf ninja

 *'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*

Ive decided i am going look for work involving animals.

well... that would be the best job but soppose i cant be picky :( 

working with animals would be the best thing ever   <('-')>

-x-

 

 

Why?

I begining to think that nothing will ever change for me... 

I look at other people and envy how they seem to be problem-free. 

I would give anything to feel accepted, pretty, thin and in-control.

This isnt my life im living... Im controlled by my disorders rules.

Its difficult to try explain how im feeling when i cant find the words to describe it. 

Its slowly devouring me from inside - out yet theres nothing i can do to stop it. 

I Hurt everyone around me, I shut everyone out and lock my feelings away. 

I hate pretending that im 'okay', Pretending to smile...

I want to be Happy But this Eating Disorder isnt letting me  :( 

Its a constant reminder, all day, everyday.

''You cant eat that, Imagin the calories!' 

''Imaginwhat People think when they see you stuffing your face!''
''Once on the lips, Forever ont he Hips''

''Binge, Purge, Binge, Purge.....''

''Fat Stupid ugly failiure''

I have the most amazing boyfriend that im so greatful for...

He has a way of being able to make me smile even when im soo low.

He makes me smile even when im down & depressed. 

If i didnt have duffy, I wouldnt have anything :(

One day i will Get pass Anorexia & Bulimia and hopefully

make duffy Happy... return all this help hes given me. 

-x-