'Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair'
Trust is somthing i wish i had... as soon as i read this ^ ^ ^ quote i thought that my trust in shane (boyfriend) is unrepairable. I fucking hate myself right now... All ive ever been trying to be is 'perfection'. Im not like the girls shane knows and goes out with, noooo, im far from that... Im am:
- unemployed because i have a fucked up anxiety disorder that causes me to spin out (have panic attack, Worry uncontrollably so much that my hands shake, i get sweaty palms and extreme paranoia about the other peoples thoughts around me)
- I have a face thats pale and eye bags that should be on a 100year old woman, My hair is dry, brittle and falls out when i comb it and wash it.
- I have this thing about females... i dont like them. I was bullyed for years and years at school by pretty much most of my year but most i remember is the girls... ALLL because i was like them, didnt dress like them, wasnt popular like them, didnt have loads of money like them.
I have pretty much relapsed and things have falling back into the old pattern.
I consume 200 calories a day and somtimes at night time when im trying to get to sleep i lay there and i listen to her, in my head telling me 'youve eaten too much!', ' if you eat tomorow everyone will know and everyone will see that you are a fat ugly failiure'. I feel so hungry some days i get stomach pains so awful and I get heart pains where sometimes i feel like i cant breathe and my chest goes tight :'( i cry because all i want is to have my control back, and be able to be someone that can be loved?! I wonder if ill ever be anything good? :'( I hate everything about me. I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT :'( I WANT TO WAKE UP AS SOMEONE ELSE... SOMEONE WHOS NOT TRAPPED INSIDE A BODY THATS SO REPULSIVE AND DISGUSTING! all i wish is to be able to smile and be happy, to be able to talk to someone without freaking out wondering if i look like a right fat fuck. :'(
wish someone knew how i felt... just for one moment to hear that someone actully knows exactly how im feeling and what im going through.
