.

its time for me to fast/starve.
my boyfriend wont be over tonight so it will be easy.
my weight check and bloodtests is on thursday so i currently have 3-4days to starve.
need to be perfect.
i need to feel hungry just to feel like im getting somewhere..

I can win unless i want to...

New year. New start.... for some but not for me.

I know for a fact now i will be with my eating disorder, depression and SI urges for years to come.

because im not ready to try recover and be rid of all this. Really, i dont want to change because im

in control, i know that most of the time im out of control, yet this whole disorder and disease is my

sense of control of wich no one can change or take away from me. Yet know im the only one who can

save myself... makes me feel like this will go on forever until it either kills me or i kill myself....

the thought of recovery is scary and not somthing i want to think about.

Im happy (at times) because now i have Shane. He doesnt understand me 110% but i dont care about

that anymore, all i need is to have someone there who loves me knowing i cant love myself.

He makes my life bareable. Knowing ill be seeing him makes me get up in the morning, i know people

just say that somtimes but he is litrully my life line. He is the only reason why i force myself to eat.

He hasnt known anyone who suffers with anorexia. So i feel ashamed of myself, i dont want him to think im

a weirdo. I dont want to fail him, I Failed everyone else in my life and hes the only one left who is still here...

Honest if i were to ever lose him, I think i would breakdown, fall deeper and deeper into the black hole of starvation, depression and selfharm. I would have nothing left to live for, he is everything i need to help me out of this shit life. My parents dont care, the rest of my family... well, lets say everyone acts like life is normal & happy. When really, everything is falling to bits around us. My parents arnt happy together, they only stay together because they wont be able to afford to live apart... Arguments everyday. Somedays i just want to purge my life away... right my stomach out and throw it away so i no longer need to eat. Sometimes i feel i could starve for weeks but knowing i cant because i have shane and dont want to let him down.

i havent lost any weight for ages now. Im 7stone. (98lb).

TOO FUCKING FAT

i need to get down to 60lb.

nothing will feel right or better unless im 60lb.

that way people will stop calling me 'average'

I DONT WANT TO BE FUCKING AVERAGE!