10 feb 2009

13 april 2009

sep 2009

23rd oct 2010

old photos from my myspace... : (

I WANT TO BE THIN ! :'( I HAVE ABOTHER 7 MONTHS OF THIS AND HAVE BEEN TOLD ILL GAIN 14LB - 24LB OR MORE!! THATS 2 STONE OR MORE =(

FUCK MY LIFE

I havent self harmed for ages.... i feel like im slowly getting closer n closer to it again. im scared so many things going round and round in my fucked up little head!!!! =(
ill be back on my prozac again soon.. the midwife said i need a bigger dose because my psychiatrist is a cunt and had ever only given me the lowest does wich makes no diffrence.. its just like taking a fucking M&M or somthing. useless pricks! everyone can fuck right offf because i hate you all every single person on in the world is against me and always will be... i can live without people irritating the fuck out of me or bring me down.

Like earlier when i was walking to the doctors, minding my own god damn business some dirty old fucker walking his dog across the road was just stareing at me like he had never seen a girl before... or never seen someone who had black hair n pale skin OR maybe he's just a dirty perverted paedophile!!! whatever on he is i dont really care as long as he doesnt fucking look at me, because as soon as he saw me glareing at him he quickly smiled... i just thought  ''DONT YOU SMILE AT ME... DIRTY PRICK!''


i cant help but to feel so much hate for people.. even people i dont know. they dont know me, they dont know whats going on in my head so there for they should not fucking stare at me like like i have a flashing sign above my head! or ill snap their old brittle necks in two!

Some days i feel like killing people... some days i feel like killing myself.
Im sick to death of people, everyone. even the people i dont know!
I hadnt been out of the house for a week or so.. not even in the back garden.
I venture to the hospital to find out when my appointment is then to the highstreet,
i cant seem to understand what peoples problems are? or is it me who has a problem?
I try avoid eye contact with random passers by.... i look at the floor or pick my nails or somthing
but somtimes i look up and they smile at me...  WHY? WHY ARE YOU SMILING AT ME.
I pale n ill looking with skanky hair and my clothes arnt exactly the best looking either so what the fuck
are these people smiling at me for? they dont know me. I dont look happy so bloody leave me alone =(
it spins me out, confuses me, makes me feel anxious and on edge like theyre judging me but i not sure what on.

Most people would be happy to be pregnant and be making the most of it but me.... its like im unable to get my head around it all =( I do want this baby but im scared and anxious and im not even sure if im capable of being a mum. I cant even stand to look after myself properly. :(
Im so worried ill end up hurting it in a fit of rage or depression. When things get too much n i feel i cant go on.... :( what am i going to do. im so worried.   Im a nut job but evenyone thinks im doing so well because now im eating 'properly'... like a normal person. im getting fat! FATT! i dont want to be fat... eugh. my psych at northgate is shit is well.. she just seems to fob me off all the time like with my medical examinations... i want to punch her face in to be fair. she needs to do her fucking job properly

Love will tear us apart....... agen :(