Permantly gone...

why am i so much of a failiure. Why am i still here? ...
Im tired of trying to explain to people how im feeling or 'what the problem is'.
in my life its not just a problem.. its a shit load of Problem'S'
and no of wich you can fix within a few weeks.
:( I just want to be normal. Look normal. Talk normal. eat normal...
i dont want to be me.
I dont want to have to look in the mirror and hate the person whos looking back at me.
I want everything to just FUCK OFF :(

people who say 'i understand' when really they havnt got the slightest idea of what i go through.
How can you possibly understand somthing that you have never even experianced befor.
Its like saying to a Cancer patient... 'I understand how your feeling'.. when youve never had cancer
or been through anything of the sort.

really im frightened that ill end up living the rest of my life being ruled by the 'rules' in my head.
Im so sorry that ive let everyone down. Im sorry that i promise to do things yet never do.
Im sorry for never letting anyone close enough to help. Im sorry that i worry people...

Im nothing.
Im not a student no longer.... because i failed at that is well.
I let down my tutors, let down my mum, let down my boyfriend.
wouldnt it have been alot better if i were never born...
Abortion?
would have saved all the problems that ive caused.
I dont know what to do with my life...
I used to have all these Dreams and plans that i thought i would acheive.
How wrong i was.

When i got home from my Appointment with fiona earlyer I felt so low.
The people in this house seem so unfamiliar... strangers?
I need a place where i feel like i belong.
somwhere that i can call my own...
a place i can binge eat all i want and throw up all until my throat bleeds and my knuckles are sore.
i hate Eating disorders...
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
I like to pretend to be happyer & healthyer than what i am.
I like to think that this Eating disorder isnt as bad as what other people are going through.
I could be 6stone and still i would poke and prod at the fat hanging off my bones...
At 5stone i would still be unhappy with myself
Theres nothing anyone can do to help me, Im past the point of being saved from my own self-destruction.

Duffy asks 'whats wrong' but theres no definate answer to it...
Whats wrong with me today is what was wrong with me yesterday and the day befor......
I want duffy to know that its not him who causes any problems or upsets me.
Its ME. its all down to me and my fucked up little head.
When he cuddles me its so nice because he makes me feel safe then ana comes into it and decides to make me
feel paranoid about how fat i am. the voice goes
'ewww.. imagin what hes thinking whilst hugging you, He must think your a right Fat whale.. can hardly fit his arms round you'...
:( i find myself apolagising to the anorexia for being so ugly and disgusting....
I cryed earlier because im making duffy feel sad... because i dont talk about things.
i never wanted to make him sad...
Im better off keeping all these stupid messed up things locked away in my head.
sitting there talking to someone is the most difficult thing to do.
Although its in the front of your mind, all there... ready to be said alloud but then
Everything goes blank, you cant find the words to use then the paranoia sets in...

:'(
I cant talk about my problems, its too difficult. :(
im scared of losing duffy because i dont talk to him about my feelings or problems.

atleast i know that if it comes to the point where i end up with nobody... only me and the problems in my head.
There a easy way out wich would eliminate my problems and would solve the problems that i make in other peoples lives.
Permenatly.



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