thoughs after foood

Only 5days until christmas... Its getting soo cold and i feel like im living in the Artic.
Im hateing every second of 'Winter'. It makes me sad, i need one of those light-box thingys.
Mum cooked dinner, I didnt really want to eat anything :'(
Food is scary. The thought of putting it in my mouth, chewing on it, swallowing it....
The feeling of it slowly moving down my throat, closer and closer toward my stomach,
Knowing after that mouthful, there has to be another & another until theres nothing left on the plate to eat.
how much i just needed to kneel infront of the toilet and Purge all the sin & hurt.
The food is bad. It hurts me. It wants to infect my body with more & more fat.
The reward i feel when i finally get passed my throat re-flex's, when that nasty food comes rushing up
and finally you feel like you have your control back. The food i ate 5mins ago... stareing back at me from the bottom of the toilet, finally... i can smile because its no longer inside me.
Sometimes when ive binged and binged and i feel as though its impossible to get everylast piece of food out....
I have a urge to reach into the toilet, taking a handful of vomit and putting it back in my mouth, To make myself vomit, bringing up more and more of that terrible food.


:'( i like that i can write this in a blog. it makes me feel less alone with it.. like im shareing my disorder.
yet without the pain and hurt that its causing me.
I have 4days to get to 98lb.
I WILL do it. i wont fail again.

x