anxiety...

I have messed everything up with me and shane.
hes fed up and stressed with me n my stupid problems :( I knew that within time he would get fed up with me n leave me because he doesnt understand why im so fucked in the head. He is the only person who i feel safe with. Somtimes i get so depressed i just cant see past all the negative shit n i soppose shane doesnt know what to do to help me.
Hes going to leave me n i cant do anything about it! How can i make things better when im the problem? My paranoia and anxiety ALLLL the time is just telling me hes cheating, hes not telling the truth, he says hes loves me but does he? How can he love a disgusting waste of space like me?
i dont understand. i wish life was simple, without problems that ruin every part of your life....

:'( i just wish he could see how much i need him. How much i care and love him.... if he left me, it will be my own fult and the only punishment for loseing him is to die. I wont have nothing to live for...
                                                                     lets hope. xx

so long ago since my last post...

nearly been a year since my last post, seems not that long ago...
doesnt really matter because its not like anyone talks to me or comments on here,
soppose this is just for myself to look back on and compare my quailty of life to the present.

Anyways, alot has gone on, most of wich ive forgotten...
back at college doing the animal management course, few months ago stephen (my brother) found a 3month old kitten and it followed him back to our house so we took it in and it become really ill, due to a underlying problem that we couldnt have known of. long story short- she was taken to the vet and put on fluids, we were told she would make a full recovery but half hour later she died of heart failiure due to her kidneys failing. :'( was the worst feeling ever haveing to put her in the cold soil, wrapped in her bed blanket. she was so young, made me feel like the most fattest piece of shit ever, she could have had my life... i dont need it.
ive ruined my life... fucked it all up, broken into millions of shitty pieces that just cant be fixed...

the only part of this life that has any meaning is shane... he keeps me together, he makes sure im okay and if it wernt for him i really would be dead already. so hes like my life machine, as soon as hes gone... means im gone too   <3 :(

.

its time for me to fast/starve.
my boyfriend wont be over tonight so it will be easy.
my weight check and bloodtests is on thursday so i currently have 3-4days to starve.
need to be perfect.
i need to feel hungry just to feel like im getting somewhere..

I can win unless i want to...

New year. New start.... for some but not for me.

I know for a fact now i will be with my eating disorder, depression and SI urges for years to come.

because im not ready to try recover and be rid of all this. Really, i dont want to change because im

in control, i know that most of the time im out of control, yet this whole disorder and disease is my

sense of control of wich no one can change or take away from me. Yet know im the only one who can

save myself... makes me feel like this will go on forever until it either kills me or i kill myself....

the thought of recovery is scary and not somthing i want to think about.

Im happy (at times) because now i have Shane. He doesnt understand me 110% but i dont care about

that anymore, all i need is to have someone there who loves me knowing i cant love myself.

He makes my life bareable. Knowing ill be seeing him makes me get up in the morning, i know people

just say that somtimes but he is litrully my life line. He is the only reason why i force myself to eat.

He hasnt known anyone who suffers with anorexia. So i feel ashamed of myself, i dont want him to think im

a weirdo. I dont want to fail him, I Failed everyone else in my life and hes the only one left who is still here...

Honest if i were to ever lose him, I think i would breakdown, fall deeper and deeper into the black hole of starvation, depression and selfharm. I would have nothing left to live for, he is everything i need to help me out of this shit life. My parents dont care, the rest of my family... well, lets say everyone acts like life is normal & happy. When really, everything is falling to bits around us. My parents arnt happy together, they only stay together because they wont be able to afford to live apart... Arguments everyday. Somedays i just want to purge my life away... right my stomach out and throw it away so i no longer need to eat. Sometimes i feel i could starve for weeks but knowing i cant because i have shane and dont want to let him down.

i havent lost any weight for ages now. Im 7stone. (98lb).

TOO FUCKING FAT

i need to get down to 60lb.

nothing will feel right or better unless im 60lb.

that way people will stop calling me 'average'

I DONT WANT TO BE FUCKING AVERAGE!



i wish someone would say this to me... :(

Ana: ''Take a handful of pretty pills & down a bottle of vodka. Nobody wants you or needs you here, you should have been aborted as soon as your mother found out she was pregnant with you, Its not her fult your such a digusting fucked up failiure. I have never seen someone so ugly... It doesnt end there though does it? No! You have so much fat hanging onto your bones You will never EVER get rid of it. How long has it been now? 4years and yet youve lost no weight. You gained. Its all your good at. All youve ever been good at is Eating... Stuffing you fat face, so much that you feel sick to the point that you feel like your side seams will split. Im here. Ive been here all along, Ive been watching you eat and eat and eat. You are a disapointment, i feel sorry for your parents and so called friends.  You know deep down in your heart that your bringing shame upon your family and friends. STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF! your hurting these people, Making them feel sick just looking at you. Dont cry, people wont care. The sympathy wont help you now, even if someone wanted to help you, they wouldnt be able to because im keeping ahold of you. There is no way out... You wanted me. You were asking for me to come and now you dont want me here? Im your friend. Everyone else is only around because they feel sorry for you. God knows why... you dont deserve anything.  You dont deserve Food, Water, friends, family, You should be dead already. so why arnt you? Hurry up.... put everyone out of theyre misery. Youve ruined lives. All because you are FAT.''


I hear this  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^   everyday. all day. maybe diffrent words but it all adds up to be the same.... Khloi = fat failiure. When i try explain about the 'voice' it never comes out right, Its Anorexia in my head 24/7 talking to me. Reminding me over and over again how ive screwed up life and everyones around me. It doesnt have its own voice, Its my voice. but its her/it. i dont know anymore. I cant get away from it. I want to just have silence for once... to walk down the street and to think like a normal person! not to hear this person in my head telling me people are looking at me, laughing, thinking nasty horrible things. Yet i deserve it all. .I deserve the abuse, the pain & hurt of starving, the headfuck of paranoia. 4years on and im still at the point i started at... only my head more like a tub of slodgy mess that no one could put back together. why am i still trying? maybe i should stop trying to fight with ana and just listen to it/her. Some of the best advice ive been given.  ''Take a handful of pretty pills and down a bottle of vodka''.   Whos here to stop me? Im home alone most of the time so by the time anyone gets back from work/college... ill be long gone.  Dont worry, ill try not to make a mess.

old photo from my deviantart account.  I just want to be rescued yet people look staright through me..

She wasn't born anorexic, but nowadays she suffers,
staring at these half-naked stars on magazine covers.
feeling pressured by the public.
She only weighs 90 pounds but still sucks in her stomach.
On the inside she's dieing, lying to herself, thinking:
- 5 more pounds won't jeopardize my health.
One day she might just collapse, she can't avoid it.
Too many sleepless nights spent bent over a toilet.
Spewing vomit, like she was an alcoholic.
Praying to a God she never believed in to stop it.
Hasn't eaten in weeks, drinks water by the heaps.
Now she looks like the skeleton she sees in her closet.
So close to death she can taste it, body looks wasted.
Hates life, hates you, hates the way she looks naked.
Now she's feeling drowsy, lousy,
thinking maybe this world's better off without me

I'm so sorry for all that I've done,
I'm so sorry for what I've become.
I'm so sorry, so sorry for wasting your time,
I can't hold you back 'cuz I'm losing my mind.
I'm so sorry for all that I've done,
I'm so sorry for what I've become.
I'm so sorry, so sorry for wasting your time,
I can't hold you back 'cuz I'm losing my mind.

She's staring at her belly, she's so scared to touch it,
imagining the feeling when it kicks inside her stomach.
Too late for safe sex, should have used a latex.
She can't afford a baby on minimum wage paychecks.
Her waistline climbs by inches,
'cuz she traded in the morning workouts for morning sickness.
Feeling nauseous, sleeps on a mat because she's cautious.
Give life or take life, that's her only options.
Only if she had a magic wand, she'd go back to that night
and put her clothes back on.
But she can't change time, or what's growing inside.
How could she love something that's barely alive?
Her body's aching, shaking, from sweaty palms, and cold sweat.
Mentally exhausting like phone sex.
No regrets, life or death, it's high stakes.
'cuz right or wrong, it's only her choice to make.