Beautiful song <3 take a listen and tell me what you think :)

I weighed myself yesterday and made me realise..... i look and feel like i weigh 20stone but i weighed and it came up as 6stone & 12 lb...   not good enough. 

2007 was shit, 2008 was shit, 2009 was shit, 2010 was shit and the same for 2011...

This year i want to do better than i have ever done before. 

I want things to change! i want to complete my college course without no fuck ups.

I want to lose enough weight to keep me happy.... make me feel better about myself.

I want all these things but wanting wont do anything... i gotta get up n do it!

so here goes to a new year!!!! 

im going to try post as much as possible to blog how im doing :) 

xxx 

khlo

'Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair'


Trust is somthing i wish i had... as soon as i read this ^ ^ ^ quote i thought that my trust in shane (boyfriend) is unrepairable. I fucking hate myself right now... All ive ever been trying to be is 'perfection'. Im not like the girls shane knows and goes out with, noooo, im far from that... Im am:

• unemployed because i have a fucked up anxiety disorder that causes me to spin out  (have panic attack, Worry uncontrollably so much that my hands shake, i get sweaty palms and extreme paranoia about the other peoples thoughts around me)
• I have a face thats pale and eye bags that should be on a 100year old woman, My hair is dry, brittle and falls out when i comb it and wash it. 
• I have this thing about females... i dont like them. I was bullyed for years and years at school by pretty much most of my year but most i remember is the girls... ALLL because i was like them, didnt dress like them, wasnt popular like them, didnt have loads of money like them. 

I have pretty much relapsed and things have falling back into the old pattern.

I consume 200 calories a day and somtimes at night time when im trying to get to sleep i lay there and i listen to her, in my head telling me 'youve eaten too much!', '    if you eat tomorow everyone will know and everyone will see that you are a fat ugly failiure'. I feel so hungry some days i get stomach pains so awful and I get heart pains where sometimes i feel like i cant breathe and my chest goes tight :'(  i cry because all i want is to have my control back, and be able to be someone that can be loved?! I wonder if ill ever be anything good? :'( I hate everything about me. I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT :'( I WANT TO WAKE UP AS SOMEONE ELSE... SOMEONE WHOS NOT TRAPPED INSIDE A BODY THATS SO REPULSIVE AND DISGUSTING! all i wish is to be able to smile and be happy, to be able to talk to someone without freaking out wondering if i look like a right fat fuck. :'(

wish someone knew how i felt... just for one moment to hear that someone actully knows exactly how im feeling and what im going through. 

my new wig came today :)

Personally ive never worn a wig... somehow i got looking on ebay and came across these wigs n bought one lol

:) thought i would try it on and take some photos, starting to prefer my hair dark lol even thought its not even my hair! :'(

makes me feel shit when i take it off n remember my hair is total shit :( 

P.S the last 2 photos are edited on ''GIMP'' editing software. 

i so sooo wish i could look that perfect without editing!!!

and...

over the past two weeks. everything has gone down hill...
me and shane wernt doing too goood. he wanted a few days to decide weather to be with me
because hes fed upw ith my worrieing and paranoia about other girls n stuff.
we have kind of sorted things out... still abit iffy somtimes.
ALSO

chicken my beautiful little man died on sunday a few weeks ago...
he was the best cat ever. he meant so much to me, he made me smile so much because he was
like a human in a cats body. he had such a personality. :'(
he was so young tooo!! He rand into these backgardens of houses behind mine and ended up running out onto the main road :'(
The people said they found him under their car and had already died.
He must have been hit by a car and ran to try find safety somewhere.
I feel so sad :'( i miss him everyday... i just wish i could have somehow knew he was hurt and come rescued him.
I worrie that he was in pain and was just hopeing me or someone would just show up and Help him :'(
BUT no one ever come... no one was there to help him that time :(

I FEEL LIKE I LET HIM DOWN. JUST LEFT HIM TO DIE  :(
he was like a bestfriend. i miss him so so much.
somtimes i just want to die, just to get rid of all this pain and hurt thats in my head.
just for permanent silence.

I JUST WANT HIM BACK :'( JUST WANT HIM TO COME RUNNING HOME ALL HAPPY AND MEAOWING :(
why do the best have to be taken away so sooon???
life is so unfair and im sick of it! so fucked off with being brought into a world thats so fucked up and unfair!

I HATE THIS i need to excape from my brain for a few moments.

RIP LITTLE CHICKEN.

i <3 you xxxx

:(

feels like im getting no where...
might be pregnant.. i dont wana get rid of it :'(
last year i had to have an abortion on the 15th july 2010.
EVERYDAY i think about it... its always on my mind, how awful i am for killing it...
what a sick fucked up nasty person i am :'(
i want to make up for it... but now, shane doesnt want a baby and i have to go through it again.
:'( i feel so horrible. so disgusted with myself for beiliving shane when he said he wanted a baby...
to hear him say after ''i only said it because i saw how upset you were about everything''
pretty much to keep me happy for a while until he realised what he had done n started worrieing.
i love him so much :'( i want to move out and have a house and a baby with him.
i want him to be happy and to love me :'(
i dont know what to do anymore, im ruining his life with all my problems :'(
I just want to get better and be NORMAL!
not this horrible fat manic fucked up girl who wants everything she cant have n whos paranoid and worries everyday without fail :(


i need help but i feel it doesnt work no more.
its ground into me, to always feel this way :(

until we bleed

Until we bleed - thinspiration video

i love this song and the girls in the video are so perfect and beautiful it makes me cry :(

me and my fat

currently i am 7stone (98lb). i only uploaded these photos of myself because maybe one day i can look back at these and see how much progress ive made towards recovery...  still, i feel sick seeing how horrible i look :'( the fat just never seems to go away no matter how hard i try!