until we bleed

Until we bleed - thinspiration video

i love this song and the girls in the video are so perfect and beautiful it makes me cry :(

me and my fat

currently i am 7stone (98lb). i only uploaded these photos of myself because maybe one day i can look back at these and see how much progress ive made towards recovery...  still, i feel sick seeing how horrible i look :'( the fat just never seems to go away no matter how hard i try!

love is broken

i cant do anything right.. even when i try my hardest, i always fail!
i love shane yet hes  broken my heart into a million small fucked up akelittle pieces.
I cant seem to pull myself back together this time.
Im good at pretending nothing has ever happened, smile and put all the thoughts to the back of my mind.
I hate my face and this body... i hate everything about myself so its difficult to let anyone close.
Worried about what he might think... worried that his previous girlfriends were beautiful and perfect :'(
Im no match to them :( I had so much trust in him just because he made me feel worth the time, i was happy.
Hes been talking to a few girls through facebook...
I hate myself because its all my own fault.... If i were prettier, thinner, smarter and did everything right he wouldnt need to go find other girls :'(
He says hes sorry and didnt think about what he was doing.
I want to leave him because im scared of it happening agen, i wont be able to cope :'(
but i love him and know i would never find anyone as good as him :(
im so confused. i feel like a fat disgusting shit fucked up girlfriend.

ive got ashit load of prozac, escitalopram, venlafaxine and diazipam...
Im no longer scared of death because i know its getting closer and theres nothing i can do to stop it.
I want to close my eyes and sleep forever... i wish shane could see how im struggling and come save me :( :'( :'(

anxiety...

I have messed everything up with me and shane.
hes fed up and stressed with me n my stupid problems :( I knew that within time he would get fed up with me n leave me because he doesnt understand why im so fucked in the head. He is the only person who i feel safe with. Somtimes i get so depressed i just cant see past all the negative shit n i soppose shane doesnt know what to do to help me.
Hes going to leave me n i cant do anything about it! How can i make things better when im the problem? My paranoia and anxiety ALLLL the time is just telling me hes cheating, hes not telling the truth, he says hes loves me but does he? How can he love a disgusting waste of space like me?
i dont understand. i wish life was simple, without problems that ruin every part of your life....

:'( i just wish he could see how much i need him. How much i care and love him.... if he left me, it will be my own fult and the only punishment for loseing him is to die. I wont have nothing to live for...
                                                                     lets hope. xx

so long ago since my last post...

nearly been a year since my last post, seems not that long ago...
doesnt really matter because its not like anyone talks to me or comments on here,
soppose this is just for myself to look back on and compare my quailty of life to the present.

Anyways, alot has gone on, most of wich ive forgotten...
back at college doing the animal management course, few months ago stephen (my brother) found a 3month old kitten and it followed him back to our house so we took it in and it become really ill, due to a underlying problem that we couldnt have known of. long story short- she was taken to the vet and put on fluids, we were told she would make a full recovery but half hour later she died of heart failiure due to her kidneys failing. :'( was the worst feeling ever haveing to put her in the cold soil, wrapped in her bed blanket. she was so young, made me feel like the most fattest piece of shit ever, she could have had my life... i dont need it.
ive ruined my life... fucked it all up, broken into millions of shitty pieces that just cant be fixed...

the only part of this life that has any meaning is shane... he keeps me together, he makes sure im okay and if it wernt for him i really would be dead already. so hes like my life machine, as soon as hes gone... means im gone too   <3 :(

.

its time for me to fast/starve.
my boyfriend wont be over tonight so it will be easy.
my weight check and bloodtests is on thursday so i currently have 3-4days to starve.
need to be perfect.
i need to feel hungry just to feel like im getting somewhere..

I can win unless i want to...

New year. New start.... for some but not for me.

I know for a fact now i will be with my eating disorder, depression and SI urges for years to come.

because im not ready to try recover and be rid of all this. Really, i dont want to change because im

in control, i know that most of the time im out of control, yet this whole disorder and disease is my

sense of control of wich no one can change or take away from me. Yet know im the only one who can

save myself... makes me feel like this will go on forever until it either kills me or i kill myself....

the thought of recovery is scary and not somthing i want to think about.

Im happy (at times) because now i have Shane. He doesnt understand me 110% but i dont care about

that anymore, all i need is to have someone there who loves me knowing i cant love myself.

He makes my life bareable. Knowing ill be seeing him makes me get up in the morning, i know people

just say that somtimes but he is litrully my life line. He is the only reason why i force myself to eat.

He hasnt known anyone who suffers with anorexia. So i feel ashamed of myself, i dont want him to think im

a weirdo. I dont want to fail him, I Failed everyone else in my life and hes the only one left who is still here...

Honest if i were to ever lose him, I think i would breakdown, fall deeper and deeper into the black hole of starvation, depression and selfharm. I would have nothing left to live for, he is everything i need to help me out of this shit life. My parents dont care, the rest of my family... well, lets say everyone acts like life is normal & happy. When really, everything is falling to bits around us. My parents arnt happy together, they only stay together because they wont be able to afford to live apart... Arguments everyday. Somedays i just want to purge my life away... right my stomach out and throw it away so i no longer need to eat. Sometimes i feel i could starve for weeks but knowing i cant because i have shane and dont want to let him down.

i havent lost any weight for ages now. Im 7stone. (98lb).

TOO FUCKING FAT

i need to get down to 60lb.

nothing will feel right or better unless im 60lb.

that way people will stop calling me 'average'

I DONT WANT TO BE FUCKING AVERAGE!