for those of you that are saying how 'fat' you look and feel... THIS IS ME.
fair enough im pregnant but it doesnt always feel that way. i still catch myself
as i walk past the mirror and think, FUCK IM HUGE! :'(

just because im pregnant doesnt mean im suddenly better. suddenly i dont have depressive
negative thoughts like i used to. =( nahh. pregnancy just makes those thoughts and feelings 1000x worse.  Im currently 25weeks gone. so half way there and ive already gained 2stone!

Ive never gained 2stone in my life. and really i plan on that 2stone to be lost within a month of having my baby boy.  I wont stay this fat. never ever........


i just have to try keep myself happy for the next 15weeks... try get through it without going completely insane :) .

I know its all normal to get a belly when pregnant but im so worried im never EVER going to be back to how i was before :'( I know its a baby and fluid, its not all FAT but when i look down on myself all i can see is this big bulging belly sticking out and its quietly freaking me out!!
People say its beautiful and its cute, so i have to just smile and agree when really inside my fucked up mind im so worrried and so fucked ='(
What if i stay this fat after the birth??
What if i get fatter and fatter and i end up the way ive always tryed to avoid?!
I have to eat properly for the baby.
The day i come home from hospital im going on a major hardcore stricted diet.
I look at photos of my body before, where i was abit fat but not as much as i look now. The diffrence is hideous!!

 BEFORE

AFTER

Im not even half way through my pregnancy and im MASSIVE! i just hope i can drop a shit load of weight, FAST once the baby is born. i have 6 more months to wait until i can head back towards 6STONE! :) XXX <3

I really really REALLY want this shoes ^_^ 

the most beautiful creation i have ever set my eyes on. haha. 

Think i might buy them and slowly save up to get a matching sweet lolita dress 

<3   so cute!!!!!

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
***I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
***I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean.
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright.
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
***
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
***
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

***
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

I had my last appointment at northgate (mental hospital) with my psychiatrist and my care worker.

Didnt realise they were discharging me and that it was the last appointment....

Ive been going there since 2007... now i feel like im all alone with this shit once again. 

Oh well, they must think im 'normal' and 'fixed' now otherwise they would'nt discharge me... would they?

hmm... 

atleast now i know that after my pregnancy, when i can start dieting/restricting again... 

atleast they wont be able to interfere and try stop me.  =) 

ALSO i went outside today... walked ruby on crowhall green. havent been out for a while.

It was sunny, couple of clouds in the sky and i pretty much saw no people wich was good!!!

<3 x

10 feb 2009

13 april 2009

sep 2009

23rd oct 2010

old photos from my myspace... : (

I WANT TO BE THIN ! :'( I HAVE ABOTHER 7 MONTHS OF THIS AND HAVE BEEN TOLD ILL GAIN 14LB - 24LB OR MORE!! THATS 2 STONE OR MORE =(

FUCK MY LIFE