over the past two weeks. everything has gone down hill...
me and shane wernt doing too goood. he wanted a few days to decide weather to be with me
because hes fed upw ith my worrieing and paranoia about other girls n stuff.
we have kind of sorted things out... still abit iffy somtimes.
ALSO
chicken my beautiful little man died on sunday a few weeks ago...
he was the best cat ever. he meant so much to me, he made me smile so much because he was
like a human in a cats body. he had such a personality. :'(
he was so young tooo!! He rand into these backgardens of houses behind mine and ended up running out onto the main road :'(
The people said they found him under their car and had already died.
He must have been hit by a car and ran to try find safety somewhere.
I feel so sad :'( i miss him everyday... i just wish i could have somehow knew he was hurt and come rescued him.
I worrie that he was in pain and was just hopeing me or someone would just show up and Help him :'(
BUT no one ever come... no one was there to help him that time :(
I FEEL LIKE I LET HIM DOWN. JUST LEFT HIM TO DIE :(
he was like a bestfriend. i miss him so so much.
somtimes i just want to die, just to get rid of all this pain and hurt thats in my head.
just for permanent silence.
I JUST WANT HIM BACK :'( JUST WANT HIM TO COME RUNNING HOME ALL HAPPY AND MEAOWING :(
why do the best have to be taken away so sooon???
life is so unfair and im sick of it! so fucked off with being brought into a world thats so fucked up and unfair!
I HATE THIS i need to excape from my brain for a few moments.
feels like im getting no where...
might be pregnant.. i dont wana get rid of it :'(
last year i had to have an abortion on the 15th july 2010.
EVERYDAY i think about it... its always on my mind, how awful i am for killing it...
what a sick fucked up nasty person i am :'(
i want to make up for it... but now, shane doesnt want a baby and i have to go through it again.
:'( i feel so horrible. so disgusted with myself for beiliving shane when he said he wanted a baby...
to hear him say after ''i only said it because i saw how upset you were about everything''
pretty much to keep me happy for a while until he realised what he had done n started worrieing.
i love him so much :'( i want to move out and have a house and a baby with him.
i want him to be happy and to love me :'(
i dont know what to do anymore, im ruining his life with all my problems :'(
I just want to get better and be NORMAL!
not this horrible fat manic fucked up girl who wants everything she cant have n whos paranoid and worries everyday without fail :(
i need help but i feel it doesnt work no more.
its ground into me, to always feel this way :(
Until we bleed - thinspiration video
i love this song and the girls in the video are so perfect and beautiful it makes me cry :(
i cant do anything right.. even when i try my hardest, i always fail!
i love shane yet hes broken my heart into a million small fucked up akelittle pieces.
I cant seem to pull myself back together this time.
Im good at pretending nothing has ever happened, smile and put all the thoughts to the back of my mind.
I hate my face and this body... i hate everything about myself so its difficult to let anyone close.
Worried about what he might think... worried that his previous girlfriends were beautiful and perfect :'(
Im no match to them :( I had so much trust in him just because he made me feel worth the time, i was happy.
Hes been talking to a few girls through facebook...
I hate myself because its all my own fault.... If i were prettier, thinner, smarter and did everything right he wouldnt need to go find other girls :'(
He says hes sorry and didnt think about what he was doing.
I want to leave him because im scared of it happening agen, i wont be able to cope :'(
but i love him and know i would never find anyone as good as him :(
im so confused. i feel like a fat disgusting shit fucked up girlfriend.
ive got ashit load of prozac, escitalopram, venlafaxine and diazipam...
Im no longer scared of death because i know its getting closer and theres nothing i can do to stop it.
I want to close my eyes and sleep forever... i wish shane could see how im struggling and come save me :( :'( :'(
I have messed everything up with me and shane.
hes fed up and stressed with me n my stupid problems :( I knew that within time he would get fed up with me n leave me because he doesnt understand why im so fucked in the head. He is the only person who i feel safe with. Somtimes i get so depressed i just cant see past all the negative shit n i soppose shane doesnt know what to do to help me.
Hes going to leave me n i cant do anything about it! How can i make things better when im the problem? My paranoia and anxiety ALLLL the time is just telling me hes cheating, hes not telling the truth, he says hes loves me but does he? How can he love a disgusting waste of space like me?
i dont understand. i wish life was simple, without problems that ruin every part of your life....
:'( i just wish he could see how much i need him. How much i care and love him.... if he left me, it will be my own fult and the only punishment for loseing him is to die. I wont have nothing to live for...
lets hope. xx
