I WANT TO BE THIN ! :'( I HAVE ABOTHER 7 MONTHS OF THIS AND HAVE BEEN TOLD ILL GAIN 14LB - 24LB OR MORE!! THATS 2 STONE OR MORE =(

FUCK MY LIFE

I havent self harmed for ages.... i feel like im slowly getting closer n closer to it again. im scared so many things going round and round in my fucked up little head!!!! =(
ill be back on my prozac again soon.. the midwife said i need a bigger dose because my psychiatrist is a cunt and had ever only given me the lowest does wich makes no diffrence.. its just like taking a fucking M&M or somthing. useless pricks! everyone can fuck right offf because i hate you all every single person on in the world is against me and always will be... i can live without people irritating the fuck out of me or bring me down.

Like earlier when i was walking to the doctors, minding my own god damn business some dirty old fucker walking his dog across the road was just stareing at me like he had never seen a girl before... or never seen someone who had black hair n pale skin OR maybe he's just a dirty perverted paedophile!!! whatever on he is i dont really care as long as he doesnt fucking look at me, because as soon as he saw me glareing at him he quickly smiled... i just thought  ''DONT YOU SMILE AT ME... DIRTY PRICK!''


i cant help but to feel so much hate for people.. even people i dont know. they dont know me, they dont know whats going on in my head so there for they should not fucking stare at me like like i have a flashing sign above my head! or ill snap their old brittle necks in two!

Some days i feel like killing people... some days i feel like killing myself.
Im sick to death of people, everyone. even the people i dont know!
I hadnt been out of the house for a week or so.. not even in the back garden.
I venture to the hospital to find out when my appointment is then to the highstreet,
i cant seem to understand what peoples problems are? or is it me who has a problem?
I try avoid eye contact with random passers by.... i look at the floor or pick my nails or somthing
but somtimes i look up and they smile at me...  WHY? WHY ARE YOU SMILING AT ME.
I pale n ill looking with skanky hair and my clothes arnt exactly the best looking either so what the fuck
are these people smiling at me for? they dont know me. I dont look happy so bloody leave me alone =(
it spins me out, confuses me, makes me feel anxious and on edge like theyre judging me but i not sure what on.

Most people would be happy to be pregnant and be making the most of it but me.... its like im unable to get my head around it all =( I do want this baby but im scared and anxious and im not even sure if im capable of being a mum. I cant even stand to look after myself properly. :(
Im so worried ill end up hurting it in a fit of rage or depression. When things get too much n i feel i cant go on.... :( what am i going to do. im so worried.   Im a nut job but evenyone thinks im doing so well because now im eating 'properly'... like a normal person. im getting fat! FATT! i dont want to be fat... eugh. my psych at northgate is shit is well.. she just seems to fob me off all the time like with my medical examinations... i want to punch her face in to be fair. she needs to do her fucking job properly

Love will tear us apart....... agen :(

IM ONLY HOLDING ON BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LET YOU GO, 

NOT BECAUSE YOU GAVE ME A REASON TO ='(

-X-

Okay, so im pregnant with shanes baby, not sure how far along i am yet because i haven't had my first scan. I plan on keeping it as i dont agree with abortions unless the baby is conceived through rape or something of the sort. ANYWAYS, shane said hes over the moon about it, super happy n all that. THEN saturday just gone i found a message convo on facebook from a girl saying how she misses him and wants some cuddles n that she will come pick him up and cook him stake ect ect even though she knows me and shane are together and have been the past 2years and also were no having a little family. BUT that doesnt stop tarty slaggy girls trying it on with my boyfriend :( It really tore me up inside, really i thought as im pregnant shane would be all mine, would be happy about it all and wouldnt even look at another girl let alone plan on meeting up with one to be cooked for! My heart is shattered more than it has ever been... i didnt realise you could endure so much heartache over and over and over again! is it possible for a broken heart to be broken & broken again? like smashed into minuscule pieces so much its slowly disintegrating. EUUGGHH :( i dont know what to do. i feel so stuck because i love him but i cant keep going on like this. keep forgiving him over and over again just for him to do it again and again :'(  im so worried about the future. I have ups and downs like im bi-polar. i was okayish this morning but within the past few seconds ive fallen below rock bottom! i cant hardly see what the fuck im typeing because im crying so hard :( i just want to excape all this shit and be alone! :( just want things to change. i want someone to prove to me that i am worth it. That i shouldnt be lied to and hurt over and over again.    My trust issues are ridiculous, i hate females even more now... i just cant find it in myself to trust them or anyone. im either manically depressed or 5 above rage where im threating to kill people, where i seriously feel like i could strangle someone and listen to them choke and slowly suffocate to death... struggling to get away from my grip  ='( why am i like this???? why do i deserve all the lies n hurt?? WHY?

Beautiful song <3 take a listen and tell me what you think :)

I weighed myself yesterday and made me realise..... i look and feel like i weigh 20stone but i weighed and it came up as 6stone & 12 lb...   not good enough. 

2007 was shit, 2008 was shit, 2009 was shit, 2010 was shit and the same for 2011...

This year i want to do better than i have ever done before. 

I want things to change! i want to complete my college course without no fuck ups.

I want to lose enough weight to keep me happy.... make me feel better about myself.

I want all these things but wanting wont do anything... i gotta get up n do it!

so here goes to a new year!!!! 

im going to try post as much as possible to blog how im doing :) 

xxx 

khlo