everyone fucks me offfff

Currently im 'ok'. Ive been doing well-ish, had a couple of downs but not as many as usal.
Im more angry now than i have been before. Meg has fucked me over big time!
shes went back to newt even though she says how much he hurts her and how much she wishes she wasnt with him yet she went straight back to him and stayed there over night.
Makes me fucking sick to think shes being so stupid thinking things will change n get better.
When a man hits a woman he will never change, it is a part of his DNA. like they say a 'leopard will never change his spots'. I gave her company and friendship, someone to listen and give her advice and truth yet she still fucks off back to him. SHE WASTED MY PRECIOUS FUCKING BREATH!
now she can fuck off... i dont care what he does to her anymore. im not going to be here waiting for her to call me crying saying how hes beaten her up again.... im not a rebound post for abusive relationships. She has realised im fucked off with her. she deleted her facebook and hasnt called or text. Well all i can say to that is; i have better things to look forward to in my life instead of worrieing and trying to help people who dont want it. who end up throwing the help n advice back in your face.

Anyways. Im about 28-29weeks pregnant ad all has been well so far.
Ive had no swollen ankles, heartburn, indigestion or anything that comes with being heavily pregnant. :) think im doing well so far to not really be suffering from anything. Only 12more weeks to go and my little fellow will be here :) im scared but im looking at it as something that will help me within life,
something to take my mind of the little pathetic things in life that dont need to be thought about!
whoooop!

for those of you that are saying how 'fat' you look and feel... THIS IS ME.
fair enough im pregnant but it doesnt always feel that way. i still catch myself
as i walk past the mirror and think, FUCK IM HUGE! :'(

just because im pregnant doesnt mean im suddenly better. suddenly i dont have depressive
negative thoughts like i used to. =( nahh. pregnancy just makes those thoughts and feelings 1000x worse.  Im currently 25weeks gone. so half way there and ive already gained 2stone!

Ive never gained 2stone in my life. and really i plan on that 2stone to be lost within a month of having my baby boy.  I wont stay this fat. never ever........


i just have to try keep myself happy for the next 15weeks... try get through it without going completely insane :) .

I know its all normal to get a belly when pregnant but im so worried im never EVER going to be back to how i was before :'( I know its a baby and fluid, its not all FAT but when i look down on myself all i can see is this big bulging belly sticking out and its quietly freaking me out!!
People say its beautiful and its cute, so i have to just smile and agree when really inside my fucked up mind im so worrried and so fucked ='(
What if i stay this fat after the birth??
What if i get fatter and fatter and i end up the way ive always tryed to avoid?!
I have to eat properly for the baby.
The day i come home from hospital im going on a major hardcore stricted diet.
I look at photos of my body before, where i was abit fat but not as much as i look now. The diffrence is hideous!!

 BEFORE

AFTER

Im not even half way through my pregnancy and im MASSIVE! i just hope i can drop a shit load of weight, FAST once the baby is born. i have 6 more months to wait until i can head back towards 6STONE! :) XXX <3

I really really REALLY want this shoes ^_^ 

the most beautiful creation i have ever set my eyes on. haha. 

Think i might buy them and slowly save up to get a matching sweet lolita dress 

<3   so cute!!!!!

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
***I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
***I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean.
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright.
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
***
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
***
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

***
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

I had my last appointment at northgate (mental hospital) with my psychiatrist and my care worker.

Didnt realise they were discharging me and that it was the last appointment....

Ive been going there since 2007... now i feel like im all alone with this shit once again. 

Oh well, they must think im 'normal' and 'fixed' now otherwise they would'nt discharge me... would they?

hmm... 

atleast now i know that after my pregnancy, when i can start dieting/restricting again... 

atleast they wont be able to interfere and try stop me.  =) 

ALSO i went outside today... walked ruby on crowhall green. havent been out for a while.

It was sunny, couple of clouds in the sky and i pretty much saw no people wich was good!!!

<3 x

10 feb 2009

13 april 2009

sep 2009

23rd oct 2010

old photos from my myspace... : (